


Hold on to What If

by jordypordy



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII (Video Game 1997), Final Fantasy VII Remake (Video Game 2020), Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Genre: Angst, Angst to Fluff, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Please see chapter notes for trigger warnings!!, Post canon, Pregnancy, Rating will go up eventually ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), headcanon heavy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:14:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25716373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jordypordy/pseuds/jordypordy
Summary: Two years after the fall of Deepground, Tifa gives Cloud news that changes both their lives. Saving the Planet was easy. Learning how to deal with anxieties and fears is not. Companion piece/prequel to I Live to Let You Shine.Starts very angst heavy but will become fluffy as it continues.ON INDEFINITE HIATUS
Relationships: Tifa Lockhart/Cloud Strife
Comments: 7
Kudos: 55





	Hold on to What If

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEAVY TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR:  
> Pregnancy, pregnancy complications, mention of miscarriages, mention of abortion and mention of severe birth defects

It’s incredible how much power words hold. The spoken language has the ability to cause great happiness, endless despair or jovial glee. Just one or two words strung together can change the course of one’s life. Cloud had long been dreaming of taking that life changing plunge, idly fantasizing over the words “I do” leaving Tifa’s lips most days. The two words he got instead were indeed life changing, but in a completely different way.

“I’m pregnant.”

Tifa’s head was low, normally confident eyes half lidded. Her hands were clasped together and she was so still, she could have been mistaken as a statue. The air in their bedroom was heavy and silent as the words lingered, suffocating the both of them. 

Cloud shifted on their mattress, causing it to creak under his weight. He leaned forward and down with furrowed brows, desperate to make eye contact with her. Disappointingly, she actively avoided his gaze. He so desperately wanted to reach forward and grab her hands, but something in his gut told him that it was a bad idea. The stillness between them was thick and, not knowing what to say, the courier remained silent for just a tad too long. Eager for a response, Tifa chanced a glance up at him. He only saw them for a second, but the fear in her ruby pools shot him in the heart.

“What?” The word slipped out, a breath that evaporated into the palpable tension between the couple. “Tifa, that’s impossible.”

She raised her head, meeting his eyes. Her face was pained, scared and confused. “I know,” she whimpered as she robotically moved her hands to her stomach, “I  _ know _ .”

“A-are you sure it’s not a false positive?”

She shook her head, a sad smile lining her face as she huffed a sad excuse for a laugh. “False positives don’t happen three times in a row.” Grabbing Cloud’s hand, she guided it to her abdomen. When she spoke again, tears threatened to flow. “Cloud,  _ I’m pregnant. _ ” Her voice broke as she repeated the phrase, falling forward into his chest as she threw her arms around his neck.

Many years ago, he would have hesitated in returning her display of affection, but he was a different man now than he was then. Without thinking, he wrapped his arms around her as tightly as he could without hurting her and pulled Tifa as close to him as he could. Cloud felt her tears soak through his shirt as he held her, his hand idly slipping through her black locks. 

The clock on their wall ticked by, and it was hard to ignore the droning sound it created as he cradled his other half as the news began to sink in. A tidal wave of emotion flooded his heart as the weight of her news finally hit.

Starting a family- or well, adding to their family- had never really been a topic of conversation between the pair. It wasn’t that either of them was opposed to the idea, but because they  _ couldn’t  _ add to their family. Cloud was sterile. Mako typically does not affect one’s ability to conceive, whether the mako-holder is male or female does not matter, but having come back from not one but  _ two  _ bouts of mako poisoning, professionals had told him he would never be able to have a child. The sheer amount of mako in his body would stop almost all production of sperm, with the chance of one surviving long enough to cause fertilization to occur being astronomically low and almost impossible. About a 1 in 3 trillion chance, according to various mako-biologists. 

“Almost” is an incredibly powerful word.

Cloud placed his face into the hair on the top of her head and kissed her gently as his mind raced. He wasn’t a doctor, but he knew how mako worked. He thought of Grashstrikes back in Midgar’s underbelly that had been mutated by being near the stuff. He thought back to how being exposed to it had messed him up mentally, the effects of which he was still dealing with. He thought of degradation, which he had only avoided because of the Jenova cells. He thought of all the horrible, awful things that mako causes and how there was no possible way that the tiny life inside of Tifa wouldn’t be affected by the substance.

What if this child was a monster? What if it was born and grew up into a cold blooded killer angry, at its existence? What if it was another Sephiroth?

The image of the murderer faded from Cloud’s mind almost as quickly as it had entered as he began to think about what their child would look like. He pictured himself holding an infant to his chest, Tifa looking over his shoulder and smiling, absolutely in love. He thought about how Tifa was  _ already _ an excellent mother to Denzel and how she would absolutely dote on their offspring. He imagined his son or daughter growing up knowing the happiness that he and Tifa were robbed of when they were young and realized the idea was beyond exciting.

Would his child pick up the art of the sword? Or would they follow in their mother’s footsteps and master a martial art? Would they even be a fighter at all? Would they share his eyes, the color of a clear sky, or their mother’s, the color of deep passion? Hair the color of a daffodil or dark as the abyss?

He swallowed, fighting the conflicting emotions swelling inside of him. “What do we do now?”

“I don’t know.” She whimpered. “Just stay here with me for now.” She squeezed him tight, desperate for his presence to remain. “Please.”

“I’ll always be here for you.” And he closed his eyes and held her, unwilling to face their uncertain future just yet.

* * *

“Tee...” Cloud meekly knocked on the bathroom door, “Tifa, please open the door.” No response. He raised his knuckle to rasp against it again, but gave up halfway through and instead ran his palm down the length of the door. “I’m  _ sorry _ ,” he croaked.

He was worried about her. Scared to death that this pregnancy wasn’t viable and it would hurt her. Or  _ worse _ . The doctors had even said that the chances of the baby surviving was low. If it did, it wouldn’t survive for long and it would be in constant pain. Suggesting they terminate the pregnancy and move on seemed like a good idea when it came out of his mouth. 

He placed his forehead to the old wooden door, eyes clenched shut. He could hear her sobbing on the other side, not even trying to hide it from him. “Go away,” she wept as daggers pierced Cloud’s heart. Tears rolling down his own face now, he opened his mouth to reply but only dust escaped as it dried. Hollow, he turned his back to the door and slid down it until he sat and pulled his knees to his chin.

Tifa’s obstetrician hadn’t even believed her when she called in, begging for an appointment, as she had been aware of Cloud’s situation through Tifa. The medical professional had mimicked Cloud’s initial question, assuring Tifa that although rare, false positives were possible. Cloud’s sensitive hearing heard the doctor’s voice fall silent as his partner reiterated that,  _ no  _ she was  _ pregnant.  _ A meeting was scheduled for mere days later. 

“You’re… you’re going to come with me right?” She had asked.

“There is nothing in this world that could stop me from being there with you,” he had replied as he pulled her in close to place delicate, reaffirming kisses along her lips.

The ride to the clinic had been terrifying and seemingly never ending. When they arrived, it was like the slow motion around them had been reversed and set to fast forward. Their wait was short, and when Tifa indicated to her doctor that her last cycle had been over 5 weeks ago, she had immediately recommended an ultrasound to finally confirm what everyone in the room already knew.

Tifa had squeezed Cloud’s hand so tight it went numb as the black and white images appeared on the screen, the obstetrician pointing to a black oval among the static white. “That’s a gestational sac,” she had explained, looking Cloud in the eyes in astonishment. She had explained what exactly a gestational sac was but it went in one ear and out the other as Cloud began to squeeze Tifa’s hand back as the weight of everything had finally hit him.

Tifa was pregnant. With  _ his _ child. 

Yet, as miraculous as this should have been, the room was somber as the doctor began to talk to them about everything that Cloud feared. “It’s impossible to know for sure,” the obstetrician had begun tentatively, “but extreme mako exposure can cause a plethora of fetal development issues.” She had told them about children born in Gongaga following the explosion of the reactor. The unfiltered mako had entered the water supply, causing extreme birth defects. Phocomelia. Increased instances of parasitic twins, including craniopagus parasiticus. Ectopia cordis. Exencephaly. Each medical term and explanation that came out of the doctor’s mouth seemed worse than the last.

“Of course, none of these are guaranteed,” she had made sure to remind them frequently. “There are plenty of children born in Gongaga who live very happy and full lives. However, I would be lying if I said the risk wasn’t there for you.” 

The scariest thing though was that if something happened to the developing fetus, such as a miscarriage, Tifa’s life could potentially be at risk. That was more terrifying than anything else the doctor had told them by far.

And so, on the silent ride home, Cloud thought and thought. Did he want this child? From the bottom of his heart, he did. Watching them grow up, hearing their smile and laughter. Imagining Tifa taking care of his baby was enough for him to feel heat in his cheeks. Denzel had already been a fantastic older brother to Marlene and Cloud no doubt knew he would dote on a new sibling.

But with each positive outlook of the future, the medical professional’s words of warning would blare in his ears. Could he bear to see his child born suffering, living a short life of only agony? The thought of something happening to Tifa because of an issue was already a nauseating thought.

When they got home, they shared no words for what felt like hours. When they finally did, they spoke over each other. 

“Cloud-”

“Tifa-”

A moment of silence. 

“You go first.” Tifa had said.

That’s when Cloud told her that maybe it wasn’t smart to move forward with this pregnancy. He wanted so desperately for it to be worth it, for this child to be born happy and perfect in this imperfect world, but he couldn’t risk Tifa’s life. A life he valued above all others, above his own and even the life of the Planet itself.

Instead of the conversation he was expecting, Tifa had clenched her fist in anger and cursed at him before running upstairs to the only room in their living space with a lock. 

Back in the present, Cloud used the back of his hand to wipe the tears from his eyes. “I’m just worried about you.” He spoke to her through the door as he leaned his head back against it, knowing she was still listening to him. “Tifa, please. I don’t know what I’d do if something were to happen to you.” He would know doubt blame himself. It was because of him after all that they were in this situation, and if consequences of throwing caution to the wind (even if they had both agreed there was no risk in not using protection) hurt her or worse… he didn’t even want to think about it. 

“I know it’s scary,” she hiccuped back at him from the bathroom, “but Cloud, the fact that this happened at all is a miracle. Why can’t you understand that?” Her voice broke again.

He clawed at the hardwood floor under him. “I  _ do  _ understand that,” he tried his best to explain himself, “I… I want to be the father of this kid. I want everything to be fine. But if it’s not…” His voice trailed away. “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.” 

He heard Tifa sniffle through the door. “Denzel is going to be home from school soon.” She stated quietly. 

Right. They hadn’t told Denzel, or anyone, about the pregnancy yet. Just in case something like this happened where it wouldn’t work out. 

Cloud stared at the patterns the wood floor made, the lines and spirals and dark spots as his mind raced. He stood up. “I’m going out. Tell Denzel I won’t be home for dinner.” Tifa needed time to herself, even a blind man could recognize that. She didn’t respond as he took a step forward. Glancing over his shoulder, he said “I love you,” as his voice shook. Once again, she did not reply.

Cloud took Fenrir out to the wasteland, purposefully finding nests of monsters. He hoped the thrill of combat and adrenaline would make him forget about everything. It didn’t.

He got home well after midnight, knowing full well both occupants of Seventh Heaven would be fast asleep. He walked past the room he and Tifa shared, noting the door was closed. He frowned and cursed himself. Tifa always left the door slightly ajar when she knew he would be getting back late as a way to welcome him to bed. His footsteps were heavy as he robotically moved towards his office which held the guest bed.

He felt alone, desperate to wrap his arms around the woman he loved as he drifted into a restless sleep.

* * *

Cloud awoke to a field of yellow and white. Flowers, countless flowers of various types surrounded him in a sea of petals. A pleasant aroma reminiscent of vanilla and honey enveloped him as a gentle breeze blew through his hair.

He realized with a start that he couldn’t move an inch, not even being able to curl his fingers or toes. Yet, he wasn’t panicking. The sunlight from the clear cerulean sky warmed his body, putting his mind at ease. A content sigh escaped his lips as a soft and friendly hand caressed his cheek.

“You don’t need to worry,” the familiar voice promised him, “I’ll keep her safe.”

As suddenly as the dream began, it ended. Sitting up in the dark room, Cloud gasped. He realized he was shaking as he stood up, desperate for some water. 

He made his way downstairs as quietly as possible as to not wake Tifa or Denzel and was surprised to see a familiar form behind the bar holding a cup. “Oh,” she spoke softly when she noticed him, “I didn’t wake you did I?”

He shook his head. “No, I just need some water.” He felt awkward speaking to her as the unresolved tension between them grew thick. He felt relief when she smiled at him through the darkness. 

“Yeah,” she nodded as she took a sip from her cup, “me too.”

Cautiously, Cloud approached her. She lowered her head as he did and only when he put his hand under her chin and lifted it did she make eye contact with him. Even in the dim light, Cloud was taken away by how beautiful she looked. 

He opened his mouth, but was caught off guard when Tifa suddenly threw herself at him and embraced him tightly. He lowered his head and kissed her gently and felt relief wash over him when she kissed him back.

“Cloud, I-” She started. 

“No,” he cut her off sternly, “you have nothing to be sorry for.” He smiled as he placed a hand softy on her stomach. “You’re right, this is a miracle and…” He struggled to find the right words. All the anxiety he had had was gone, as if washed away. He and Tifa were going to have a baby, and something told him everything was going to be okay. “I was stupid to say what I did earlier.  _ Really  _ stupid.”

Her eyes widened. “Does that mean…?”

Cloud nodded and kissed her again, deeper this time. “Yeah. I don’t see anything wrong with expanding our family.”

And she hugged him again, blubbering thanks and I love yous promising that this would be the best thing that ever happened to them. As she kissed him again, Cloud began to think so too. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to Shrouded Hand's videos "Terrible Things that can Happen During Pregnancy" and "World's Worst Medical Mistakes", the latter being specifically for sending me down the thalidomide rabbit hole which helped to inspire a lot of headcanons for this fic.
> 
> Chapter title curtesy of Sonic and the Black Knight.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Somebody'sNightmare for agreeing to beta this for me!


End file.
